Dealing with Dawna

Most of you should know I have a 10 year old daughter. Her name is Dawna. She lives with my aunt Christine in Kingston, and I see her for a few hours every Sunday. The last few Sundays though she hasn't been around because Christine has taken her on vacation. I couldn't go on the vacation that we usually go on this time of year because of all the crap that happened.

So, she hasn't been around since Josh and I split up. This is an issue. Josh and I were together for 4 and a half years roundabout. So she's known him to be with me since she was 6. She even referred to him as one of her dad's in a school paper she did.

Needless to say, my anxiety level today was way high. When she got here we drove out to the coffee stand, got her an iced chocolate milk, and me a coffee. She asked immediately where Josh was. I had to tell her that he was at his parent's house and that we split up. She was upset and sad. She cried and then didn't want to talk about it.

The rest of the day was ok, but I am still left with this deep sadness. It's not sadness that Josh and I aren't together anymore... It's sadness that Dawna is sad. I wish I didn't have to make her feel that way. I feel tired and empty, cried out... It doesn't help that I am home alone.

~Foxy

New Development

Ok, so new development in my saga... The woman who got pregnant with Josh's kid had a miscarriage. I am very sad for her. She had spent a month really imagining that this was going to be her baby. That kind of sorrow is very hard for anyone to take. Apparently things are going to remain the same, however. She has grown attached to Josh, and says she doesn't want to leave him. That makes me happy, because I know he has grown attached to her too, and would be very sad to be left alone now. He is sad about the miscarriage too.

I decided to give myself a Tarot card reading about the new situation and how it would affect my life. I used a simple three card layout (past, present, and future). Here is my results:

The Fool: 

As a card, the Fool ultimately stands for a new beginning often involving a literal move to a new home or job. The querent (meaning the sitter, or the one asking the cards for advice) might be starting to date again, or trying out some new activity. There's more than just change here, there is renewal, movement, and the energy of a fresh start.

In the Tarot, cards like The Magician or The Hermit can often stand for the querent or for someone in the querent's life. The Fool, however, usually stands for the querent, himself. They are back at zero, whether that be in romantic affairs, or career, work or intellectual pursuits. Far from being sad or frustrated by having to start over, however, the querent feels remarkably *free*, light hearted and refreshed, as if being given a second chance. They feel young and energized, as excited as a child who has discovered a new toyshop. Who knows what they will find on the shelves?

In addition, they likely have no idea where they're going or what they're going to do. But that doesn't matter. For the Fool, the most important thing is to just go out and enjoy the world. To see what there is to see and delight in all of it.

Unfortunately, this childlike state can make one overly optimistic or naive. A Fool can be a Fool. That business opportunity might not be so surefire or amazing as it seems, and that new lover might not be so flawless.

Like the Fool, you might be so busy sightseeing and imagining the possibilities that you completely miss the fact that you're about to go right off a cliff! The card advises that one listen to that watchful little dog, which might be a concerned friend, a wise tarot reader, someone harassing you from the sidelines, or just your instincts. However exciting new beginnings may be, you still have to watch your step. 

That is a dead on card for the past couple of months for me!!! Next, we have:

The World

The Fool turns to take that final step along his final path, and finds, to his bemusement, that he is right back where he started, at the edge of that very same cliff he almost stepped over when he was young and too foolish to look where he was going. But now he sees his position very differently. He thought he could separate body and mind, learn all about one, then leave it to learn about the other. But in the end, it is all about the self: mind and body, past and future, the individual, and the world. All one, including the Fool and the Mystic who are both doorways to the secrets of the universe.

With a knowing smile, the Fool takes that final step right off the cliff...and soars. Higher and higher, until the whole of the world is his to see. And there he dances, surrounded by a yoni of stars, at one with the universe. Ending, in a sense, where he began, beginning again at the end. The world turns, and the Fool's journey is complete.

Everything finally coming together, successfully and at last. The querent will graduate, marry after a long engagement, finish that huge project, or get their PHD. This is a card about completing things, and getting well earned cheers and pats on the back when you do.

Two of Cups

The Two of Cups shows the beauty and power that is created when two become one. The card reflects balance, mutual respect and harmony in relations with one another. There is no ‘I’, just ‘we’, and both parties are focused on a mutually beneficial outcome or win-win situation.

The Two of Cups typically points towards a relationship that is based on mutual attraction and romantic inclinations. It reflects the clear, nurturing, supportive and heartfelt exchange of emotions that is the gift of a romantic relationship.

The Two of Cups represents love that is nurturing, creative, clearly focused, inspirational and equally fulfilling. In a reading, this is often a beautiful start to a new romance in which you will experience understanding, harmony and deep love between two souls. The seed has blossomed into a tree of appreciation. Kindness and thoughtfulness will bind your two hearts together with the feeling of being simultaneously very special to one another.

In some cases, the Two of Cups can refer to marriage, proposals and engagements, particularly as this card portrays what looks like a wedding or hand-fasting. It is a reflection of commitment between two individuals, to say that they will go through life together, always considerate of each other’s needs and wishes.

Outside of love, the Two of Cups reflects a partnership of sorts, be it a business partnership, friendship or even a relationship between a person and their pet.

Despite the focus on the two beings shown on this card, the Two of Cups also points to what is happening within the individual. To be truly loved, deeply treasured and valued highly by others, you must first and foremost strive to create those feelings for yourself. That is, when you work toward loving yourself, you hold your inner spirit in high regard, treating it with deference and deep respect. When you see yourself in this positive light, other people cannot help but respond to your personal sense of value in an equally positive manner.

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So, that's my Tarot reading... It gives me hope for the future, and the determination to use a good attitude and optimism, in order to achieve that every happy ending. Good times. It will help me not to worry too much... 

Explainations

So, what has been going on with me? I think it's finally time I can explain a little bit.

My boyfriend, Josh, and I have split up. How it happened was we started swinging with another couple. The other woman got pregnant by my boyfriend. Her husband told he wanted a divorce. Now  she lives with Josh, and her husband lives with me.

Things went from enlighteningly wonderful, to stressful, to anxiety inducing, to contentment, and now it's back at stressful again, but mostly because there are still a lot of loose ends flapping around. I will feel much better when it's all settled, and I hope it is more settled by the time my vacation is over and I have to go back to work.

I am very happy overall. I know that it is worth the stress at this point, and that the stress won't last forever. I feel more free than I have in a long time. I stand at the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life, with new characters, situations, and adventures. Life is good.

~Foxy

Heart Spring

 I was walking in a fog
Suddenly you appeared
As if created of mist

You waved your arm
And the fog vanished
Revealing a new world

You smiled at me
And took my hand
Leading the way

As we walked
More fog cleared
Exposing further delights

I was wonder struck
Laughing and giddy
Dancing in the sunlight.

We came to a spring
Bubbling rhythmically
A clear pink red color.

We drank of the water
It filled me with warmth
Feeling hope for the future.

My heart was beating
Along with the spring
The two were the same.

We held each other
Rolling and laughing
On the bright greensward.

I fell asleep in your arms
At peace with existence
In perfect trust.

Mercury Retrograde

Have you noticed in the past week that there has been more conflict in your life than usual? Misunderstandings? Complications? Unexpected curve-balls to your routine? Everything that can go wrong will go wrong? You are experiencing the phenomenon known as Mercury Retrograde. It's like an astrological storm that hits us all a few times a year.    

Logically speaking, Mercury Retrograde is when the planet Mercury appears to start moving backwards from our point of view. It isn't REALLY moving backwards. It's like this:

Why should this affect our daily lives? For that answer you have to go a little beyond logic. Mercury is named after the Roman god of Communication and Trade, also known as Hermes in the Greek Pantheon.

So... When the planet is in retrograde, some believe that it affects those attribute of communication and trade. I have experienced my fair share of things not going right in the past week. Most of it was from misunderstandings, and everything going wrong at work that possibly could.

My advise to my readers is to hang onto your hats, don't let arguments that happen now affect you too much. Check back in a couple weeks and see if it might have all been just a mis-communication. Try to be careful to make sure that you are clear and patient when communicating with others. Also, when the little things go wrong, just go with the flow. Take a breath, accept it, and move on. It's not a good time to be in a hurry to do anything. Take it easy and stay happy. 

Epiphany

I figured out what's going on with me. I have a tendency, when things go wrong, to take control myself and try to make everything go right. So many things have gone wrong, and so many people have proven themselves to be unreliable, that it's become a habit of mine.

For a while I loved my job because of certain managers who were the leaders they were supposed to be. All I had to do was my job, and they did theirs. Life was good. I still controlled my personal life, for the most part, but I didn't have to do that at work. It gave me time to relax and just chill out.

Then things changed at work. Now things are falling apart there, and people don't care so much about their job anymore. I can't work that way. It makes me irritable and anxious. I need a strong leader in order to relax my brain, and I'm not getting it there anymore. So I've started to have to take control of more situations at work. That, combined with STILL controlling my personal life, left me feeling very stressed and overtaxed.

This changed a couple weeks ago. I found a way to release more control in my personal life. It's nice to relax, and have confidence in someone else's ability to handle a situation. I still find myself fretting and worrying about things here and there, but now I recognize that I'm doing that and I can get myself to relax and just enjoy the moment. I am learning a whole new lesson about life. I am determined to enjoy every minute of it.

Tarot Reading

Some of you may know that I read Tarot cards. If you didn't, you do now. I'm sure some of you are skeptical about the accuracy of divination, you can argue about it in the comments if you wish. However, I have found that the cards tend to speak clearly to me.

Today I was feeling conflicted and unsure about the future, so I gave myself a 3 card (past-present-future) reading.

In the past was the 5 of Pentacles. That translates to stress, and hardship. That has been my past, for sure. Depression... unhappiness... What's even more interesting is that my deck is an animal deck, and the 5 of pentacles, pictured above, is represented by the fox.

In the present was the 10 of Cups. That translates to happiness, a feeling of wholeness, and satisfaction. Yes, totally what's going on RIGHT NOW...

The last card, the future, was The Tower. That translates to discord, possible unhappiness, and a change of an old way of life.  I was not surprised.

I have written of endings and beginnings before. Life is full of them. What I do know is that I haven't felt this good and carefree since I lived in my Bronco II in February of 2005. That was the start to a whole chapter of my life. Now I feel that chapter ending and a new one beginning. I just wish I knew how it was all going to turn out. The only thing I know for sure is that I can't go back to the way things were in the past. I am done with that particular 5 of pentacles. I hope the happiness of the present lasts for a long time, and that the discord of the future is distant.